“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” - Carl Jung
I loved my dad. He came from a lower middle class background. He has done a lot of things for me since childhood. He was a doctor, worked hard, and was disciplined. He’s contributed a lot in who I am and my life. Got all my documents in order, be it passports, exam forms, admissions, small investments. He used to get me toys every month till age 2, many books that I wanted to read. Signed me up for swimming and judo classes. Taught me cycling, badminton. Took us out to play every week, for small day trips in Mumbai every month. He got us good food from outside once a month. He helped me study for competitive exams in childhood, took me for extra-curricular practices.
When I got into IIT, he got me a Macbook. I know it was very expensive for him. He also got me a Samsung S3 or S4 because he wanted me to have the best phone back then. We were a middle class household and he still spent heavily on it. He loved animals and English music like ABBA, Michael Jackson, Boney M. He was nice to everyone, be it vegetable vendors, his patients, our society people, strangers.
There was a huge dark side to this too. My childhood was full of domestic violence. This same dad used to beat me frequently, hit my mom, and also my younger sister. Domestic violence doesn’t just leave physical scars, it leaves mental scars. Physical scars are temporary, they’re easy to get over.
There used to be constant fear, tip-toeing around, hypervigilance, rebelling against dad as an authority. Punishments for losing 1-2 marks in exams, punishments for not coming 1st in class, punishments for talking to or staying in touch with friends and family. There used to be daily bad words, verbal abuse, being told I’m not doing enough, I’m stupid, I’m worthless. There used to be constant uncertainty and instability. We never knew when dad’s moods would suddenly change, when he’d get angry, when he’d switch from angry to normal. Any good time could be spoiled by 1 word, 1 sentence, 1 act that he deemed wrong. There was a lot of passive aggressiveness too. At the same time, we felt helpless that we couldn’t help or save ourselves or mom.
There were clear signs that he wanted boys, he’d got girls and he hadn’t liked that. Me and my sister grew up under a lot of restrictions. We were not allowed to talk to boys, to watch movies, listen to music, hang-out with friends. We used to lie and hide things and do these things when dad didn’t know or wasn’t around. We were only allowed to study. We saw mom also being harmed and we were helpless. Mental abuse leaves huge impressions on children’s minds. We could never tell anyone about this, because since childhood, he’d made it clear that if we did tell anyone, we would be badly hit. There would be bad repercussions. We believed this at our core and feared it. So, we didn’t tell anyone. In my 2nd year of IITB, we decided to separate from dad. My mom finally found the courage to take that decision.
I’ll be clear here. I don’t think of myself as a victim. Yes, very good and very bad circumstances happened to me. A childhood that shouldn’t be this way, happened to me. But I’m no victim. I always fought back and got back up and took care of myself and my family. I am responsible and accountable for my actions and words and experiences in my present and future.
Ever since I was a kid, I read a lot of books, thousands of them. I stayed up at night till 1 or 2 AM and read books in the dark. Using the streetlight that used to come through my window. I immersed myself mentally in their world and learnt and dreamed and hoped. I enjoyed my 6 hours of peace in school and gave it my all. School was my happiest, safe place. Me and my sister also watched movies, listened to songs, met friends once in a blue moon, without dad knowing. My sis covered up for me and I covered up for her. I day dreamed and dreamt a lot. I played with the toys I was allowed to play with, I had fun when dad was in good moods. I had fun with my mom and sister, my close family, uncles, aunts, their kids, our grandparents. I kept myself mentally happy and optimistic.
I also tried to understand my dad. How could my dad hate me so much while loving me so much? Why did my dad get so angry? Why did he hit me? Why wasn’t he happy at all the good I did? Why did he hit mom? Why did he verbally abuse us? What caused him to be so pessimistic about the world? What caused him to rage and rant? What caused him to have a huge mistrust of the world? Why did he treat us so badly, but treated the outside world soooo nicely? What made him become 2 different people at home and outside? I always tried to understand and forgive him.
This introspection is how I’ve developed a huge amount of optimism, kindness and empathy towards everyone. All my life I have tried to understand and listen and empower people, be it friends, family, work colleagues, strangers. I always choose to be kind and empathetic. Even when people are cruel, unkind, non-empathetic, harsh. I got the help I ACTUALLY needed in life in the last 3 years from therapy – 250+ hours of therapy, 100+ hours on exercises given in therapy, 200+ hrs of meditation. Before that through books, some friends and safe spaces like IIT-Bombay and school and work places.
I got no formal help on all this my whole childhood or early adulthood. I wish I had. I didn't know better and got into binge eating and binge drinking as an escape mechanism for a few years. Many times, I had very low self-worth, people pleasing habits, kept getting caught in toxic environments and people. Books and safe places like school saved my life and my mind and made me happy.
In the last 3 years, I have overcome and manage my PTSD, anxiety due to PTSD, OCD without any medication, through therapy, regular exercise and studying psychology and philosophy. Before that, books were my 3rd parent growing up. Literally and figuratively. They were my escape and they shaped me. Thankfully, gratefully, I also found some great friendships, purpose, safe spaces like IIT, P&G, Schlumberger, CashFlo, Polygon Labs.
I have started Appa as my way to help others at scale with my life experiences. This is why I want everyone to get access to the tools and techniques based in psychology and neuroscience that can make people happy, safe, find peace and improve their life drastically